Woman, Independent Parent, Artist, Advocate, Artifical Pancreas.... and EVERYTHING in between.

I am blessed to be parenting two beautiful girls, ages eight and eleven. My youngest nearly lost her life at age six (August 2010) to diabetic ketoacidosis: an often fatal consequences of undiagnosed type 1 diabetes. This is OUR journey: raw and sometimes, uncensored.

Thank you for visiting wishing good health and a cooperative pancreas to you and yours.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Dear Diabetes:

Dear Diabetes:

You invaded my little girl six months ago, and life hasn't been the same since. I've thought this many times, but need to express this directly to you. I fucking hate you. I don't use love/hate easily, so trust me, when I say I fucking hate you, there's not an ounce of grey in the equation for misinterpretations. I fucking hate you, and I want you banished from my home. Banished from my little girl.

Before you invaded and terrorized us, my little girl used to be sweet, happy, full of laughter and adventure. Today, she is a tornado of emotion and I never know where she will land. The once peaceful girl has erupted into violence. She bites, she kicks, she hits, she pounds the walls, she stomps, she yells, and she shrieks. Oh my gawd, does this small beast ever shriek.

I'm a single parent diabetes, and maybe you overestimated me as someone who's stronger than I actually am. Because I'm done. I'm so burned out, and passed the point of even knowing what to do any longer. I want my happy little girl back. I sometimes wonder if she's still in there deep down inside, but I see no proof of that from appearances.

I am tired of being the bad guy. Doing what needs to be done to keep her healthy and alive. I am tired of all of her resentment and fury being directed at me. As I write this, there is so much pressure in my head that I'm afraid my eyeballs are going to pop out and bounce off the walls. There's only so much I can take, and we've crossed that line, a while ago.

So I guess diabetes, when all is said and done, it's not just you that I fucking hate. It's the changes in my child's personality that I hate the most. I'm tired of having to referee. I'm tired of being kicked. I'm tired of listening to her sob and wail and bemoan about how she "misses her old life". Because I miss it just as much, maybe even more, because my little girl won't ever be the same.

Sincerely, and with an extended middle finger:

one tired burnt out mother of a diabetic

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